It's 4:35 a.m. in the morning. I am "spooking around" as we affectionately call my middle of the night wakeful times. They are more and more common these past few weeks as my due date draws closer and closer. Eight days away to be exact.
The Conners are definitely in a "trust God's timing" season.
A little over a week ago, Austin came home from playing basketball with a sprained ankle. We didn't think it was too bad because he could walk on it and such. However, it got progressively worse to the point where he couldn't walk on it any more. He is currently on crutches, pain killers, and waiting for an appointment with an ankle specialist. Awesome.
My mind is racing with all of the unknown possibilities that the next week may hold for us.
Ideal situation:
I go into labor a few days before due date and have a normal, vbac birth. Hopefully by then his ankle is healed enough to be off crutches and if not, I'm not all that immobile and helpless. Things will be crazy but not that bad.
Worst Case Scenario:
I go into labor in the next few days and for some reason have to have another c-section. This would be bad because 1) Austin will still likely be on crutches and not healed up enough to help much. 2) I will be in pain and in need of a lot of help for at least a week. How the heck would we wrangle a toddler and a newborn if we are both couched? Even if I make it all he way to my due date and have to have a c-section on the 30th, will we be ready??
It's funny how all along I've been itching to not be pregnant but in the past few days I've realized that we need this baby to sit tight for as long as possible. While I don't enjoy the physical discomfort of these last few weeks and long nights, I'm willing to endure a little longer if that means it gives Austin some time to heal up. We'd be a house of chaos and much need for a while if not.
Yes, we do have VERY supportive families who are more than willing to help but they all have full time jobs and live in different cities. We can't expect them to drop their lives and responsibilities for all that long to help us. So you can probably understand why this pregnant woman is up fretting over the possibilites of this coming week. So many combinations of the above scenarios could happen and I can't quite plan ahead without knowing what the future holds.
I've had to really practice "talking to myself rather than listening to myself." I have to remind myself that God is in control. He really is. He knows the exact day and way that Tyler will enter this world and his plan is GOOD. His plan has a purpose. It may not be ideal for us but it is what he has written into our story and I want to trust that whatever it may look like, he will give us what we need to get through the day.
He loves us. He loves me. He loves Austin. He loves Adelyn. He loves Tyler. Everything he does is out of love and sometimes his ways aren't completely understandable but we can trust his fatherly heart towards us and know whatever this week may look like, it is done out of a heart of love.
The unknowns are so hard for me. However, they keep me leaning into his promises and forcing me to remind myself of his goodness. I'm guessing that is part of his agenda in all of this. So for now, we wait. We wait to see HIS plan unfold for the Conner family. All I can do is sit tight, wait, and keep praying for a heart that really means it when I say, "Thy will be done."
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