An Unexpected Change

I received a lot of forewarning about how much my life would change after having a child. They weren't lying. A lot has changed. But there is a change in me that I was unprepared for. The books didn't tell me about this. I have been caught off guard.

I've grown to have a deep compassion for hurting or suffering children. Now don't get me wrong- who doesn't? But what I have been caught off guard by is how much it really grips me. When I hear about an abused or neglected baby I almost get physically sick. When I hear a story about a hungry or homeless child, I can't let it go. It dominates my mind and heart. I get choked up thinking about it. When I see pictures of children in need, the images don't leave. They haunt me.

I think of how Austin and I delight in every little thing Adelyn does. We spend so much time just staring at her, studying every detail of her face and little body. We talk endlessly about the best way to raise her and to hopefully shepherd her to love the Lord. To think about a child who has no parent to delight in them or to care about their well-being in this way is so sad to me. This didn't happen to me before I was a mom. Something changed and I wasn't prepared for it.

I've also found that I am deeply moved by stories of adoption. I found myself in tears after watching this video of two Ethopian orphans meeting their new parents for the first time. I can't stop thinking about my friend Kristyn who just announced they were going to try to adopt siblings from the Congo.

So of course, the question running around in my mind right now is, is adoption in our future?

It's scary to even write it down. It's as if I'm committing to something by verbalizing it. I'm not at all. Just in process right now. When I start thinking of the logistics of it, I shy away from the idea. From watching a friend go through the process, it doesn't look fun. Not even close to taking the first step in that direction. Just processing all these new emotions. Like every mother out there probably does at one point or another.

But I do know this: I can't look at pictures like these and not be moved to do something. (By the way, in search for the pictures for this blog post, I ended up a weeping mess on my couch.... oh dear, I'm a wreck sometimes.) These pictures and more like them are constantly in my thoughts and on my mind. I'm not sure where to go or what to do with these new emotions that I attribute to motherhood. Is this normal?? Time will tell I guess.